Jonesing For Some Action

Disclaimer: this blog entry is for mature audiences only.

It is with deep regret that I must inform you all that I believe I have solved the mystery of why my sea cucumbers grow so quickly. A few weeks ago I was preparing to give my juvenile sea cucumbers their weekly check-up when I was stopped dead in my tracks. It’s the kind of sight you know exists but don’t really believe until faced with the sheer terror of it. Bobbing alongside our boat was a human turd. What this lone ranger was doing out in the middle of the day is anyone’s guess. The community we are working is characterized less by affluence and more by effluence, but this still came as a bit of a shock. To be clear, the area we are actually growing our sea cucumbers in is about three-quarters of a mile away from our boat’s berth. So fear not sea cucumber consumers of the world, your favorite delicacy is still in good hands.

I, however, was not sure what to do with my hands. In a situation like that, strategies can really vary. You can try and prod it out of the way with a stick, but then what do you do with the stick? You can curse as it bobs along. Or you can convulse as you laugh hysterically, which is what I opted for. The problem is, it is difficult to erase such an encounter from one’s mind. And knowing that one must get in the boat to attend to one’s precious sea cucumbers is a disheartening realization. An attempt at the long jump entry comes with a HIGH degree of difficulty when your boat is the size of Pochantos’ canoe. Asking for someone to bring the boat closer to shore surely forfeits all credibility as a hardened sea cucumber farmer, and undoubtedly draws even more attention to the aforementioned turd. Other options exhausted, it is recommended to wait until the vile intruder is a safe distance away, pretend it does not exist, and get on about your business as quickly as possible before returning home and running a bath of pure bleach.

Despite that lowest of lows, this month also brought the highest of highs. I am proud to announce that we successfully spawned our first group of sea cucumbers, and what a hot and steamy affair it was. Allow me to go into all the unrated details. Typically, the night before inducing spawning all of the sea cucumbers are put in a fresh tank of water and allowed to defecate. This makes for cleaner eggs if the spawning succeeds the next day. As I prepared to move the sea cucumbers into their new tank, it appeared one particularly randy gentleman was ready for the party to start right then and there. For those of you unaware of the intricate mating rituals of the sea cucumber, typically part of the sea cucumber’s body is standing upright in the water column. Because sea cucumbers are broadcast spawners, meaning they simply release their eggs into the water, a higher vantage point allows for better dissemination of their sperm or egg. In addition, they typically sway during this process. Over the course of the next hour, we counted thirteen males releasing sperm. This group was definitely jonesing for some action. And given the amount of swaying going on, from above it looked like a cross between Woodstock and an X-rated film. Male sea cucumbers are capable of releasing sperm for up to three hours, and before anyone suggests calling a doctor, I will clarify that that is without performance enhancing substances. Clearly it is a testament to their raw masculinity.

The very randy gentleman.

About an hour later, one very cooperative female decided that, even though the party was a bit crowded, it was still worth a shot. And that is pretty much how it happened…one very quick burst of eggs, followed by two much smaller bursts. And job done, romance over.

The lady in question.

A proud father.

After reflecting on the entire spawning process, it seems that the greatest misfortune to befall the sea cucumber actually relates to how it reproduces. The great tragedy is that sea cucumbers never get to know the joy of falling in love. There is no courtship, no mating rituals, and certainly nothing that would follow after that. There is only an optimistic release of sperm or egg, and the infinite uncertainty that follows. They will never know if their sperm or eggs found a mate, or if their children grew up to be upstanding bottom dwellers of the ocean. I believe there is only one way to truly understand and accept the unbearable sadness of these creatures futile search for love, and that is through a tribute video: